That's Not My Name...and other hits!

My bread-baking extravanganza this weekend led me to wonder about the state of my food storage. I mean...I only have so much room in my regular size freezer. I'm asking myself that inevitable question: Is it time to buy a full-size freezer? I can't stock up at Costco like I really, really want to. I walk around that store and ask myself if I really need twelve pounds of butter. And you know what? I DO! But, I can't currently buy twelve pounds of butter because I don't have a good place to store it. I proposed this idea to a friend. She made a suggestion. Instantly, my freezer has become food storage / coffin!! What an excellent idea.

I wasn't actually going to SAY anything...but my freezer is for dead bodies. However, on the surface, I will be telling people it's so I can do long-haul shopping at Costco and buy things that will freeze and keep for many, many months. Plus, it's good to have something to put on top of the dead bodies, to act as a sort of camoflage. I've already got a list of dead bodies!

Potential Hit Grocery List

1. My landlord - removing any roadblock that I might have to getting a new puppy.
2. My postman (or woman) who is not picking up the mail when I mark it as "no longer at this address" and who shoves my mail to the back of the mailbox, so that it's so crumpled I can't read it.

The postman is in position #2 because I sent in a complaint to USPS and if the issue can be resolved that way, then I don't need to worry about killing them. Then, I had another thought. This is a sneakier sort of guerilla warfare, if you will.

I am going to wire my mailbox for sound. It will be similar to those new-fangled sound cards or novelty cookie jars. Whenever you open the mailbox, it will play a song! The song will be individually selected, to act as a little reminder for my post-person. The first song that came to mind is "That's Not My Name", by The Ting-Tings. Destiny's Child "Say May Name" is a close runner-up. But, I've decided to stick with "That's Not My Name" because I think it's much easier to get in the head. And, I'll end up with either of the following results:

• Post-Person will be so freaking annoyed by having The Ting-Ting's in his/her head all the time that they will OBEY ME and take the old residents' mail!
• Post-Person will be OVERJOYED by my thoughtful music selection and will want to do anything to please me; including TAKING THE OLD RESIDENTS' MAIL

So really...it's a win-win situation, right? And I always have my freezer/coffin for trusty backup.

PS: For anyone who might be on my Potential Hit Grocery List...I'm really too lazy to follow through with that plan. Once I killed you, there's no way I could drag your dead, now-really-heavy body into my freezer. No need to alert the FBI.