AMC hates the singles

I spent last night, cuddled up on the couch watching End of Days on American Movie Channel (AMC...) last night. I'd like to take this moment to point out how un-hermit like this was. I was housesitting at the time. So, I was cuddled up on someone else's couch and not my own. Yes, I was watching the movie alone (becuase I really don't know anyone other than myself who would watch End of Days with commercials).

Anyhow, I digress. Before I figured out that you can pause, rewind and fast-forward through afore-mentioned commercials, I ended up watching some (read: A LOT OF COMMERCIALS). I saw a few (far too many) for Chantix, the quit-smoking-drug. Some more for Advair, the anti-asthma drug. Tylenol (ah, my good friend lately) commercials were fairly prevalent. So, we obviously LIKE DRUGS. But, count all of the drug commercials combined and they don't equal the number of crappy eHarmony commercials I saw!!

eHarmony is tricky and features all these happy couples that were matched, courtesy of eHarmony's services. So, one sits and watches these commercials. Then, a certain, single lady might find herself building a new-age fairy tale in her brain. The story goes a little like this:

Girl was watching TV all by herself (cue scenes from Bridget Jones' Diary). Girl sees happy couple made during a movie. Then the movie changes to Online Dating Service commercial and more happy couples abound. Girl is so taken in by all these happy couples! She dreams of one day, building herself an Online Dating Profile and meeting Prince Charming. Girl spends at least a week building the perfect Online Dating Profile. She debates over how to describe herself. She agonizes over how to describe her Prince Charming. Yet, after all her hard work, she finally produces the perfect Online Dating Profile. Filled with hope and snapshots of Prince Charming, Girl pays her Online Dating Service fee and posts her perfect Online Dating Profile. Immediately, her Online Dating Inbox is full of romantic notes from a host of prospective suitors. Upon reading profiles, she instantly identifies HER Prince Charming! They agree to meet for coffee, a no-pressure first date. Their coffee date stretches into a movie, followed by dinner. The Perfect Couple is born!

Allow me to insert a few items into this fairy tale, purely for the sake of accuracy. One, did you know that it literally takes FOREVER to build your profile for these dating web sites? I have tried the eHarmony profile TWICE. The first time, I got bored not even halfway through. The second time, I was astounded by the amount of money they wanted to charge me. I could go buy myself an escort for that price. Maybe that solution doesn't provide a Happy Ever After, but so far, neither has my online dating experience. At least with an escort, your results are 99% GUARANTEED.

During my last foray into the online dating world, I finally made a commitment to the process. As I've mentioned, I've tried this online dating thing a few times and haven't really had any luck. But this last time, I started to wonder if maybe I wasn't doing enough to make this work. So, I paid my money (not the highway robbery of eHarmony...) and made the perfect profile (which still took me forever).

For about a week after my commitment, I signed on every day. I checked my email and communicated with a few guys. Call me picky (everyone else does...) but nothing really struck me. Actually, let me rephrase. Quite a few things struck me. For example, the guy who "divorced me before we ever got married" (yeah - NOT KIDDING). Or another example, a guy who invited me to a friend's wedding as a first date. Honestly folks, these are completely true. After a few of these wondrous chats, my enthusiasm waned. It waned until the point where I wasn't getting online at all. So, basically, I'd wasted my money. It thrills me to admit that. I really feel pretty free now. Imagine my free feeling when I say that I wasted not one charge but two!? Because, I'd forgotten that they automatically charge you to renew unless you specifically cancel your account. I really hate that feature with any 'membership' type purchase.

Do you have to do as much work to find a date as you do to earn your college degree? Honestly, had I been taking classes during the summer semester, I think my coursework would have suffered in the face of trying to find a date! I mean, the dating world is full of enough bad experiences - even when you're talking about the traditional boy-meets-girl situation. Do you have to add an SAT test (I mean PROFILE) to the process? Not to mention, daily homework in the form of email back and forth to at least ten different people? I probably should have really shown my commitment. I mean, I could have created index cards to try and remember who each guy was and what we had said to one another. But, the conversations generally all start the same. Sometimes, you get an original (like...divorce before marriage...). And finally, I'm not really the type of girl who gets any spark from an email chat. So, if I was really dedicated, I would have made coffee dates with each and every one of these gentlemen. Talk about a lot of work! Not only would my college coursework have suffered, but I'd probably have to cut back on hours at work as well.

Wow. I didn't really mean my rant to be quite so, um, ranty. But, if I'm saying that I'm unhappy with dating, then I am REALLY UNHAPPY with online dating. I know there are people who have made a success from their online dating experience (Yep, I really do know people in this category). And obviously, these people have been blessed with a magical quality that I'm lacking. Maybe I wasn't ecstatic about watching Arnold duke it out with the devil, on commercial TV, by myself. But it sure was better than trying to date online!!